Back home. More than happy. See you soon.

I arrived at home and it feels so good to have my family around me.
For the next three weeks I just want to spend time with them, my friends and Jesus.
Therefore I am planning to take a little time off from the internet.
If inspiration hits me I might blog anyway, I'll see.
If not, have a wonderful christmas all you my lovely blog readers.
See you in 2012.


Loving this song at the moment.

Because I am alive I give you my life.
Because I am free I bow at your feet.
Because I am loved I am able to love.
Because I am yours my world is secure.

A Indie Lovestory...

If you want to indulge yourself these days, calm down after a hectic day and get inspired, listen to the debut album of Seryn.
It's absolutely beautiful.


Thank you God for creating music.
It makes life so much brighter.

In between

The first term is over. The university is deserted, almost everyone went back home to their families already.
I just finished writing my last essay, my bags are packed and I am ready to go home.
I have to wait two more days before I'll go back home.
It is nice to be here and to have no work and so be able to explore the town a bit more, to just watch a movie, write my diary, play the guitar.
But in my thoughts I am already back in Germany. Anticipating Christmas, planning dates with friends and skiing trips with my dad.
I'm somehow in between two homes.
Lately I often feel like being in between.
In between being adolescent and adult.
I am going my own way, living my dream, but I'm still not there.
And I don't even know where and how and what there is.
This state is a tad scary but I like it. Everything is wide open.
And I am excited for the future.
But equally - or even more - I am excited about the here and now.

Cross-ways

I have a very good friend, her name is Miriam. We met in 5th grade and ever since we have been best friends. We sat next to each other in every class and I think our teachers were very annoyed with us because we talked and talked and talked.
I like to think back to these days, we had such fun times and I think there really is no one who makes me laugh like she does. We also had really deep conversations about god and life and she was one of the few people I could actually tell things and she just got it.
Well, one day, I don't know about what we were talking exactly, but she said:

"Accept the situation, make a decision, and then bear the consequences."

This advice stuck with me.
Sometimes I am in a situation and I am not entirely sure what to do, so I just stay passive and see how things turn out instead of thinking what seems right to do, take action and make a decision.
And then live by it.
I guess this is part of growing up - living responsibly.
Think, than do.
Still not too good at this.
And I must say often it is no fun. Some decisions are hurtful.
And bearing the consequences can be very tiring.
But the consequences of being passive are often worse.
And the certainty to do the right thing, even if it is uncomfortable, helps a lot.

i am on my way back to where i started

this song feels like a hug to my soul.

My words.

Tonight I sat down to write a poem.
The last couple of days I have felt the words swelling inside of me.
I knew that very soon, they'd burst out.

And so, I sat down at my desk and as soon as I picked up a pen, it scratched over the paper almost by itself.
And it felt so good.
But then I made a mistake. Or, actually two mistakes.
Instead of letting the words heal me, release me from what was pressing so heavy on my chest, I let myself be overwhelmed with anger and a dash of bitterness. I wanted to use the poem to expose weakness, to take vengeance.
And then, even worse - I tried to sound like somebody else.
I used words that are not mine.

Suddenly I was afraid of this intimate moment between me and the words, this moment when the words uncover what I was trying to hide from myself.
But this made me realise, that words are my answer.
They are my way out. Out of confusion. Out of fear. Out of depression.

And at the same time they are an entrance to a whole new world.

Life lessons

The most annoying question on a birthday is probably, "And.. how do you feel with ... (number of birthday you are celebrating)? Do you feel older and wiser?"
(I always ask this question to people who have their birthday - sorry for that).

And of course the answer is no. Just because it is the day you happen to be born a couple of years ago, you are not wiser and you feel exactly the same as the day before.


But sometimes there are days... days full of life lessons.


Days that are so hard that you think they will break you.
Days that teach you that exaltation and anxiety are sometimes coming hand in hand.
Days full of confrontation, days that demand the plain truth, even if it hurts.
Days where right and wrong are just vague terms.

Dealing with days like that and not running away from them is what I am currently learning.
And sometimes I wake up in the morning and I feel older. More grown-up.

I still feel more like a child than a grown-up. And not wise at all.

But I am a work in progress.

Sunset in Riehen, Summer 2011

Things that make me happy #2

• Sitting in the bus, driving through beautiful Lancaster and listening to Noah and the Whale
• "I am carrying all the love of an orchestra"

• Reading "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller
• The idea of getting a day rider ticket and driving bus all day, looking at the christmas lights in everybody's houses
• This quote: 

• Finding a little bike shop and spotting the perfect bike for a reasonable price
• "Guess why I am smiling a lot? Because it's worth it."

The last days of fall...

This weekend I spent in Applebee (I don't know if this is how you spell it) and it was just beautiful. Here are some pictures... ah I love England.

Sonne und Wind.

via weheartit

I don't know if you ever experienced this, but this morning I woke up being angry.
My room felt to small to fit my anger so I went out for a run.
The sun was shining and there was a cold wind blowing.
And I asked myself, why couldn't there be just sun.
Why can't things just be easy.
Why can't I get everything right.
Just for once.

Just.

found at as for me 

via wehearit

Building a life.

On a walk through Lancaster last sunday

I love this expression. Building a life.
That's what I'm doing. Or what I want to do.
I want to find out, who I really am, what I want, what makes me happy, what inspires me.

I believe being here is just the right place to do this.
Far away from home, from all the people that know me and love me - but also sometimes put labels on me.
Here everything is new, like a white, blank page and I can find out what the title of this chapter of my life will be.
Even though it is scary sometimes and I still feel like a kid, that wants to hide in the arms of their parents and even though I feel alone sometimes - it is good to be here. It is the right way.
I am learning a lot about myself. And I enjoy the solitude. I enjoy my own company, hearing myself breathe, finally becoming calm and just enjoying life.
And there is this exhilarating feeling inside of me - the feeling of being independent. Being free. I do not have to make anyone happy except for myself.

The other day I read a quote on one of my favorite blogs, little reminders of love (I think I've mentioned it before) and it says:

"there are days i drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself."

-brian andreas

Exactly.

Dear November,

to be honest: you are not really causing good associations in me.
You are grey, cold and full of opportunities to wallow in self-pity.
I once heard your the month, in that most people die.
But I decided to give you a new chance to be the mother (or the father?) of 30 enlightening days. It is all a question of attitude, isn't it?

Anna from Little Reminders of Love inspired me to set some goals for this new month.

1. Become an eager beaver. Well... at least I will try to get my work done.
2. Look about for a bicycle.
3. Be aware of what makes me happy and go for it.
4. Take pictures.
5. Try to keep my chocolate consumption at a sane level.

Alright, my friend, I hope we will get along.
I'm excited for our time together.

via wehearit

Things that make me happy #1

The last two years I learned a lot about myself.

I learned that there is stuff that is bad for me, that makey me more likely to get depressed, feel overstrained with everything and like I couldn't handle life. 

But also I learned that there are things that make me happy.

One of these things I just recently discovered. 

It may sound odd, but a tidy room makes me feel really good. 

As my mum is reading this she is probably laughing out loud, because I used to be really bad at keeping my room clean and I always argued that I need chaos to develop my creativity. 

Well, I guess I maybe need a little bit of chaos sometimes but more often I am just lazy.

Organising my stuff somehow makes me feel like I have things under control, like I overview everything a bit better. 

So the feeling of life slipping through my fingers gets alleviated a bit. 

Maybe it is just an illusion. 

Life can fall apart even if you have written down every date in your agenda, even if your CD collection is assorted in alphabetical order, even if you do not have to search for your keys every morning and even if a super detailed to do list prevents you from forgetting your responsibilities.

But life gets easier. Also, a tidy room is often cosier than a messy one. 

And if there's a way of tricking yourself into being more happy and feeling more secure, I believe it is legitimate to do so. 

via wehearit

Some clarification

via

This week I watched "He's just not that into you". I really like this movie and I think it contains a lot of truth. 

Truth that I sometimes need to remind myself of. 

I thought a lot about these truths this week and came to the conclusion that I do not want to be the kind of woman who sits next to the phone waiting for some guy to call. 

I don't want to put my life on hold for a guy who is not fully appreciating me - the whole package with all my quirks, fears and sillyness. 

Someone who is not really passionate about loving God and loving life. 

Someone who does not even know what he wants.

Therefore I will not be upset if someone does not call, does not ask me out, does not think of me.

Because I am in the process of learning more and more who I am and what I want. 

About Writing

Before I came to the UK I thought I might have problems coping with everyday tasks, like doing my laundry, keeping my room clean and cook proper meals.It turns out, that I have no trouble coping with that.
It is the language I am struggling with. I love English. I love hearing it, I love reading it, I love speaking it.It's just that I miss being able to express myself without thinking about it, creating plays on words or correcting people when they are making grammar mistakes.

I am a language person.
I write, I listen, I read, I talk.

I started writing this blog in English to create a practice space for myself and to reach a wider audience, because I had the impression, that Germans don't really get the blogsphere.
Currently I am thinking about continuing this blog in German.
I am carrying so many storys in me that want out. There are so many unspoken (or rather unwritten) words inside of me.
But I guess, the difficulty to let this stories out does not only come from my lack of English vocabulary.
It is more the fear about exposing my feelings to the entire world, putting my oh-so-callow thoughts and maybe crude opinions out there. Making myself vulnerable.
Well, I think that's the challenge every artist (I actually don't wanna call myself an artist, it seems a bit overrated, but oh well) has to face. If you want to create something relevant, you have to let your guard down, be honest with yourself and honest to the world.
I have been thinking a lot about this lately and today I saw this video which somehow affirmed my deliberations. Poetry is a scary thing, she says, but there are stories that only you can tell...

A Quote again

This really encouraged me to keep writing. Even if I'm not satisfied with the results. And even though I might never write as brilliant as she does. But I guess it's good to have goals and role models.

I wanna be...

Even when you're sick and tired of yourself, 
God is still energetic and joyful about you.


Thanks to my dear friend Larissa for sharing this. Just what I needed.

taken in September in Florida

Happyness.

My first weeks of lectures and seminars is over and it went pretty well so far. Yesterday I was a bit in a bad mood becuase I have a cold, but apart from that I'm really happy.
I love being a student, I love living in the UK.
The last couple of years everything used to feel so wrong, I felt like I was in the wrong place, in the wrong time.
And here I just feels so right, so easy, so carefree.
This song by "Noah and the Whale" describes it best:

Day by day old joy comes back to me.

taken out of the plan on our way to America

Music soothes my soul.

Weird day. Confusion, headache, weariness. But there's this band, and their music makes everything better. 

The first week...

So, Fresher's week is over now and I settled in quite good here. I'm really lucky, because I have the coolest flatmates ever. Yesterday we all cooked together (Spaghetti and Banana Bread for dessert - so good!)
I also already got to know a bunch of other students from China, Spain and Norway (and of course from the UK) and had some inductory lectures.
I also went to church yesterday, which was so great. I immediately felt at home there and met some really nice people.
Today Lectures and everything else are starting and I'm really excited about soaking up as much knowledge as possible.
Currently I'm missing my brother and my friend Simone. But I guess that's all part of being "grown-up" and moving to another country and so on. So I'm trying to focus on the life I'm building here and that I will see them in only 64 days (I guess it is 64, don't know if I counted right).
I thank God for the opportunity to be here and that everything started so well. I hope all you who read this feel as blessed as I do at the moment.

via weheartit

Hello from Lancaster!

A lot has happened since my last post: I went on the most amazing vacation in the US with my family, had my farewell Party and now moved to Lancaster.
I thought about starting a new blog with the title "Learning, Loving, Laughing - my life at Lancaster" because I really like alliterations and I hope that my time here will be filled with laughing, learning and love. I didn't do it, because I think I won't have the time for so much learning, laughing and updating blogs, but I will try to keep you posted here.
So far it started off really well. I have a cute little room, nice flatmates and I am so excited about all what comes!

Wishlist...

Because it's only 16 more days until my birthday I decided to post a little wishlist.

Not only my birthday, also the day I'm moving to England to live on my own moves closer. 

I think some tools would be pretty useful. Isn't this pink tool box cool? 

"Pride and Prejudice" (the one with the "real" Mr. Darcy - Colin Firth), 

"Sleepless in Seattle" (a classic and must-have in my DVD collection)

 and "A beautiful Mind" - one of my all time favorite movies.

Music makes me happy. 

First the "Best of" Cd by Otis Redding - he's my hero.

I can't believe that I don't own this album yet: 21 by the fabulous Adele

and the new Album "I'm with you" by Red Hot Chili Peppers.

This book.

Some of these fabulous cooking books, 

so I can invite all of you to a real home cooked dinner.

Saying goodbye.

This weekend I'm going to three farewell partys and I'm currently planning my own. It seems like saying "Good bye" became a huge part in my life. Just today I gave the last guitar lesson to one of my students and it was really weird saying: "okay maybe we'll se in December", instead of "til next week!"

Until now saying goodbye wasn't so hard for me. Most of the time I do not really realise that I won't see someone for quite a long time and so I never cry and rarely am sad when saying goodbye.

The sadness comes later. I noticed that sometimes you don't really realise how much you love and need someone until this someone leaves.

One of my best friends currently lives in the USA. I experienced for the first time how hard it can be to miss someone. How it feels when someone leaves who just cannot be replaced.

It started with situations where I wanted to call her and ask if we wanted to go to the river rhine. Just lay in the sun, eat, read and talk. That's our thing.
But she was more than tenthousand miles away.
A few days ago we skyped. It was so great to see her face and to talk to her. But after that I missed her even more.

I guess saying good-bye and missing friends and family is a part of growing up. Suddenly I have 'old friends' 'back home' or even scattered all over the world.
Scary. But also exciting.

Absolutly brilliant.

Commiseration.

via weheartit

It's a good day today,

because the new issue of the violet just came out! 

click on the image to read this fabulous magazine. 

Big news...

It's official:

I don't know if you can read it... but my place at Lancaster University has been confirmed... I am so glad! I still can not believe it though. So unreal. Well, when dreams become reality...

Lancaster Castle

The future is now

Last Friday we had the final "graduation-good-bye-take-care-best-wishes" event at our school.
It was really nice to be back on the school campus, meet classmates and teachers. But it also felt so weird riding my bike on my erstwhile way to school, parking it next to all the others, walking into the assembly hall, as if nothing had changend.
And suddenly it struck me, this feeling of being in between things, to have terminated one period of life but haven't started a new yet. In the last weeks, this kind of freaked me out, but than I started feeling really happy. I thought about how lucky I had been: my schooldays were such a great experience, I met so many dear friends, I had so much fun and learned so much.
But it's good, that it is over now, because I am so so ready for something new.
All these years when I heard the word "future", I thought of being a University student, living on my own, in an other town. And now it is right around the corner, happening at this moment. All these life-changing alterations are just a blink of an eye afar.


At the celebration in our school we all got a balloon with a card on it, where we could write down our wishes and than let them be carried away with the balloon.
The funny thing was, I didn't know what to write. At this moment I wasn't afraid or worried what the future could bring, I was just looking forward to it.

via stumble upon

In spite of everything.

Today is one of those days,
where i woke up and just was filled with happiness and gratitude.
I am so thankful for my family, my friends.
And I love my life.
Against all odds.

via stumble upon

Someday...

... I want to own a gramophone. 

I would listen to Frank Sinatra and Otis Redding on Sunday afternoons while drinking tea.

I've fallen in love with...

...Thougth Catalog.

About 500 different authours contribute their literary rhapsodies.


Maybe someday I'll be one of them. 

I just read an essay published on Thought Catalog by Bart Schaneman. It's titled "On Moving To New York And Being Who You Say You Are". Brilliant.


You can read it here.

To give you a bit of a foretaste:

"Yet, I still don’t understand why people have trouble owning what they are or what they want to be. It’s the wanting-to-be part that’s the most troublesome, I guess. It’s embarrassing to admit that you’re not really what you wish you were."

Without Words.

"If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write." 

— Martin Luther

Amazing (the quote and the picture).

 Found via stumble upon.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

Do you know this,
when you desire for something
and you try not to get your hopes up too high,
because you are afraid of disappointment?
But in the same moment,
you feel like it will rather come true,
if you believe strongly in your dream.
So your mind constantly alternates from one side to another.
While your calm to the outside
your inner turmoil grows
and you just hope that August will come quickly
so you finally know if that University of your dreams
will concede you access to their sacred halls.

Spring at Lancaster.

And yes, I'm obsessed with o-matic.

I don't know if this makes sense, but...

via tumblr
...lately I'm wondering what people do when they achieved a goal. 

For example an athlete who wanted to set a new record in some kind of sport. 

He maybe worked for years towards his goal, trained day by day, sacrificed all his time, that he could have spent with friends and family, paid a lot of money for his fitness center membership, ate consequently only healty and empowering foods - with all his passion he pursuit for his attempt to set a new record.

And then: the day has come and he does it. He's happy that all his training finally had paid off, that he could prove everyone how disciplined, how strong, how good he is. 

Maybe he can merely comprehend that he really did it. For days he is on cloud nine, he feels invincible, like he could do everything. People salute him, his friends constantly tell him how proud they are of him.

Weeks and months go by and the radiance of his trophy slowly starts to fade. He disavows it, but the total satisfaction, the gratification he was filled with diminishes more and more.

What will he do now? Will he try to break another record? Or his own? Will all the training, all the fagging just start all over again? And then again and again and again? Will it ever end? Will he ever be fully content with himself, with his achivements, with his life?

via tumblr

I met so many people who always talk about how happy they would be if only they achieved that special academic degree, had this super career, finally meet the man/woman of their dreams or just managed to sort out their lives.

I don't think it is wrong to dream, to the contrary - I think it's important to have ambitions that your chasing after. I have great respect for people who work hard to achieve their goals, who do not let anyone distract them from their aim.

I just don't want to be racing through life, to rush from one thing to an other, desperate to finally find happiness. 

Maybe it is against the whole "pursuit-for-happiness-philosophy", yet I think your general contentment with your life should not be depending on your accomplishments, your job, your car, the number of your facebook friends or whether your single or not.

These things add up to it, yes. But they are not happiness or contentedness in intself.

taken and edited by me

Life in snapshots

Oh, o-matic, I love you.

Highlight of the day

This evening I spent time with my lovely friend Larissa from As for me. She is a great friend who I love to talk to and who is so inspiring in everything she does.

And she's really pretty.
We watched "Letters to God" on DVD (a little too cheesy for me but a great message), ate ice cream and talked.

She showed me this site where you can edit your pictures and I'm hooked!
See for yourself:

Nikon Photo Challenge

I am taking part in a photo challenge, so please vote for me right HERE! 

Thank you guys!