being in your twenties

i had this quote written on my school folder (because i thought it to be original and ironic): 'i know that i know nothing'. i think back then i theoretically understood that as we learn more about a thing, the more we discover the vastness of knowledge that we not yet have. 

today this notion rings more true to me than ever. 
people say things like that your twenties are there to find out who you are and what you want and a time to ask questions and to find answers. i guess there is something to that.
however, so far my experience has been that as i have figured stuff out more, new problems presented themselves to me and one answer held ten new questions.
on some days i find that thrilling -- the idea that i am growing, yeah becoming - that feels important and exciting. other times i feel stressed by not knowing what i should do, how i should prioritise things, how much time i should invest into my friends near and far, how much should i worry about my career, about family planning about taking steps to fulfill my dreams. 
there is this little voice that tells me that really at this point i should know better what i want to do with my life, that i should have a plan, should have the next years mapped out  - after all, i don't want to wonder for years and years what i should do with my life and then never actually do anything. 

as i am writing this i get the impression that all this might be about accepting that mistakes are inevitable and that it is okay to get things wrong. 

and more than that it is about trusting God. to trust when i say to him, "here is my life, i don't know the way,  please lead me"  that he will guide my steps, that he is in control and that my existence is not an accident and that my life won't be wasted.

“it’s never too late to be who you might have been.” – george eliot

“a self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to a child, finished and complete. a self is always becoming.” –  madeleine l’engle

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." –  jeremiah 29:11

biodiversity loss, noah, worship

this june i started a masters degree in sustainable development at soas, which so far i greatly enjoy. yesterday i was reading about the topic of biodiversity loss. hunting, over harvesting, uprooting, pollution and other factors (mostly originating from human activity) are resulting in an incredibly fast reduction of biodiversity. e.o. wilson, an american biologist writes:

"even with cautious parameters, selected in a biased manner to draw a maximally optimistic conclusion, the number of species doomed each year is 27000. Each day it is 74, each hour 3."
(wilson 2001, biodiversity threatened. in the diversity of life, p.268). 

in a different article he writes this:

"by and large, religious leaders also lack a record in environmental stewardship of which they can be proud. even though the fate of the creation itself is at stake, very few are committed conservationists."
(wilson 2003, nature's last stand. in: the future of life, pp.42f)

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last week  i was in sheffield for the first session of my second year at christ central's school of leadership. the school of leadership is a two year course designed for anyone in some form of leadership in the church or in the wider world. the aim is to give a solid grounding in biblical theology, a deeper understanding of church history, time to consider leadership issues and an opportunity to grow in one's personal calling. (for more information - visit their webpage here).
this week we learned about the pentateuch - genesis, exodus, leviticus, numbers and deuteronomy.
the content of what we talked about is way to vast to depict here however, i just wanted to share one thing that particularly spoke to me.

i assume most of you are fairly familiar with the story of noah.

if not, here is a very brief recap of what happens:

the story starts when God tells noah that he will flood the earth to basically wipe out humanity because the people are so wicked. however, noah is righteous in god's eyes and God wants to save him and his family. so noah build a ship - the ark - and he, his family and a female and male representative of each animal species are saved from the flood. when the flood has ceased and noah and is family disembark from the ark God makes a covenant (which is like a promise or a contract but stronger) with noah.

then God said to noah and to his sons with him: "i now establish my covenant with you and your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you - the birds, the livestock and all the ark with you - every living creature on earth." 
and God said, "this is the sign of the covenant i am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: "i have set my rainbow in the could, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. whenever i bring clouds of the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, i will remember my covenant between me and the earth. i will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures every kind. never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, i will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth. 

there is a lot that can be said from this, but what impressed me particularly was that God doesn't just promise to have grace towards humans but towards every living creature of every kind.

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i am not at the end of my thinking about this at all, but i cannot help but think that if God regards every living organism important enough to speak blessing over, to give promises to, then clearly we should treat creation with respect and care and it should bother us that the diversity of what God created vanishes by every hour.

there is many psalms that speak of creation singing praises to god, for example psalm 96 says:
let the sea resound and all that is in it; let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them. then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy; they will sing before the Lord, for he comes. (v.11-13)

what happens if nothing in the seas and nothing in the fields is left? does our careless killing of thousands of species deduce from the worship that is given to God?
i am not sure if these conclusions really can be drawn at all, i might be very wrong making this jump. however, i do believe that it is time for us to consider what it means to be stewards of this earth.

death wish

a couple of weeks ago some good friends introduced me to a rapper called lecrae. 
i spent the last couple of days listening to a lot of his music. 
one of his songs is called "gravity" in which lecrae raps about his yearning to leave this world and to be in heaven.

yeah, every time i think i'm flying
i'm just falling
so close to touching the sky
but gravity keeps pulling me back down
but i can't stay here forever
i want to go, ooh one day
i want to go
somewhere where there's no gravity

i think the wish to not be in this world, in this life anymore is familiar to many people. 
i often feel angry, desperate, helpless when i look at the injustices of this world, when i think about the fact that i will be disappointed over and over again by the people i love and that i will hurt them too. 
living can be tiring and we can come to a point where the prospect of death seems not so bad anymore.

but i think there is a big difference between the desire to not be alive and the desire of being in heaven.
it's the difference between yearning to be dead and yearning to be fully alive. 

in face of all the bad things we have to face every day, it's easy to resign, become numb and tired. 
but i believe that understanding eternity changes our life in the present as we can draw strength from the prospect that we live in the already but not yet, we can hold onto the promise that everything is in god's hands and that we are headed for an infinitely better future.

my life with jesus

lately i have been thinking about testimonies - people's stories how they've come to know jesus. last week i had the pleasure to hear how god broke into the life of a friend of mine and changed him radically. 

i find it really exciting to listen to these stories, hearing how god is moving - today, in the lives of individual people.

well, and so i decided to share a bit about my life and my relationship with jesus. 

i am one of those lucky people who never had to deal with big issues like drugs, abuse or destructive relationships. i grew up in a loving family where i experienced god's love and forgiveness and i made the decision to accept his gift of forgiveness and to love him back at a very young age. since then there have been some ups and downs in my life and also in my relationship to jesus - but looking back i can confidently say that he has always been faithful.

people who know me, know of my love for books and that one of my favourite authors is j.d. salinger.  as a teenager i could identify very well with the protagonists in his stories - i found the prospect of a average, phoney middle-class life devastating. 

think about it: we go to school so we can go to university so we can have good jobs so we can earn loads of money to buy shiny things and then we die - and that's it. 

i wanted more. 

but looking around, i realised that at the age of 16 most people think like that and then still end up leading boring, (in my eyes) miserable lives. 

i thought about this a lot and made me depressed. i couldn't see why i should go to school or to study or do anything for that matter. i lost interest in all activities i used to enjoy and spending time with people drained all my energy out.

this was at a time where i also had to deal with quite a lot of other issues, that simply were to big for me and i started to feel more and more lost. 

i remember a day were i sat on my bed, feeling completely broken and incapable of going on. and as i sat there i suddenly heard god speaking to me. not like a dolby surround thunder from heaven but a gentle, clear voice in my head saying: out of brokenness i am writing history. and for the first time in months i felt hope. 

i had known that the bible promises us a life that is more, that we can have meaning for our lives and that god's love is unconditional and not dependent on me being a 'good christian'. but suddenly this became very real to me. in the moment, where i was so low, so weak god did not reject me but he turned towards me.

since then a lot has changed.

there a still days where i am sad or unhappy about things but i have never again experienced the same desperation and resignation that was so present in my life back then. 

i know that my life has a eternal destination, a goal that is worth living for. and i find it incredibly exciting.

last week a walked down the street that leads to my house and i just felt overwhelmed with joy. 

joy that is beyond circumstances, beyond worries, beyond fear. 

and i laughed, thinking how far i have come - from being broken and depressed to skipping down the street with my groceries. and it is not because of my 'inner strength' or my determination, it is because of god's grace and his supernatural joy and peace that surpasses all understanding.

** if you want to know more about this jesus who has transformed my life please don't hesitate do get in touch! **

why i stopped eating meat

in the beginning of summer, a little bit over three months ago, i decided to quit eating meat for a while. 

i never was a big meat-eater anyway so it didn't really make a great difference in my diet, and so far i have not missed it. 

especially since being back in england people have asked me why i decided to become a vegetarian. (sometimes the why was a genuine interest sometimes more a "why would you do that", but a why nontheless).

so in this post i want to explain the reasons that led me to quit eating meat.
this post is not aimed at criticising anyone's lifestyle or "converting" people to vegetarianism - i just want to share some facts that i personally find important and wanted to act upon.
also, as said earlier my decision was to cut meat out of my diet for a while. this means that i keep the prerogative to maybe change my eating habits again at some point. maybe i will make the decision to eat meat once a week or eat organic meat or i decide to go a step further and abstain from all animal products i.e. go vegan. 

even though i now explain why i eat what i eat, i don't think that i have to do this. i am a grown woman, therefore i don't have to justify my eating choices to anyone.

alright, with that said. here we go.

the two main factors are especially important to me are the environment and world hunger.

overall, cattle breeding contributes 18% carbon dioxid equivalent to the greenhouse-effect. 
this is more than our world-wide transportation (all cars, airplanes, buses, trains taken together) contribute to the greenhouse effect.
a great deal of carbon dioxide is emitted by clearances of the rain forrest. those cleared areas are not used for grazing land (most cattle never see the sun or a meadow in their life) but to plant soy and corn which is used to feed cattle. 
this connects to my second point, world hunger. 
as newly industrialised align their consumption of meat to that in the western world, more and more animal feed is needed, by 2050 we'll  reach a point where more than 70% of our farmland is used to grow animal feed which means less and less grain, rice, potatoes and so forth can be grown. it follows that meat consumption in the west is directly related to increasing hunger in developing countries. to produce 1kg of meat 7-16kg of soy or grain is used, which in the face of our dwindling resources is not a great use of land. we face a situation where there simply isn't enough space to grow food required to feed 7 billion people and 21 billion farm animals. the same goes for water - to produce 1 kg of apples 700 litres of water are used - for 1 kg beef it is 15 500 litres. 

there is a lot more that could be said about this but i think i made my point. people might say, that it won't make a difference whether i eat meat or not. however, the british physicist alan calverd thinks that if everyone would become a vegetarian we could control global warming.

i know that i am only one, and not everyone, but i think someone has to make a start. i personally think globalisation and the environmental situation is one of the greatest challenges humanity has to face in the 21st century. and i as a christian want to react to these challenges because i believe that is what jesus did. he did not just give people hope for a better future in heaven, he improved their situation here on earth as well. 

i know that i put myself on the spot with this and that you could find a lot of areas in my life where my choices are bad for the environment (e.g. going to university in england and hence flying to germany and back twice a year) but i am aiming to make more responsible choices step by step. 

i don't want to be repetitive, but with this post i am not trying to convince anyone to change his or her life. however, if this made you think but you don't want to become a vegetarian you could find a compromise and do it like hank green who says this:

"I eat meat, though I recognize that (for a variety of reasons) I should not. The industrialized agriculture system is bad for the environment and for animals and for people. As for me, I try to eat less than 200 calories of animal or animal product per day. This means one chicken sandwich or a couple yogurts or two slices of cheese. I don't drink milk at all because that's a total waste of my animal calories.  

Going completely vegan is very difficult, not just because I love corndogs, but practically and socially. So I don't think I will ever do it, nor would I ask it of others. But I would ask everyone...maybe check out the vegetarian options first, see if they look good. Maybe, when you're cooking at home, check out some vegan recipes. Maybe skip the turkey in favor of peanut butter. Maybe go beans instead of beef on the nachos.  

Whether or not you care about the suffering of these animals, it is scientifically proven to be both healthier and better for the environment...so consider it."

read more about this topic here: wikipedia. or here: peta.org. or here: scientific american.

perfect sunday morning

drinking coffee, listening to john mayer and reading the best book ever written.

yes lord, walking in the ways of your laws,
we wait for you;
your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.
my soul yearns for you in the night;
in the morning my spirit longs for you.

                                               -the bible, isaiah 26:8+9 

life is a journey.

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I cannot see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But, I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing. I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

                      -Thomas Merton   

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humble and happy?

source

i read this quote last week and it thought yes, yes that is true. but then i thought: how do i spend less time thinking of myself? 

two weeks ago i listened to a preach in my church, and the preacher told us that he always prays when he is in the car on his way to work. 

when i am on the bus on my way to uni, i usually think about what i need to do that day or i lose myself in daydreams of my future house, husband, children, job etc - and in these dreams i always are in the centre of attention. this is not really the definition of humility. also i don't think that these dreams of the future where everything is better than now, are particularly helpful or constructive.

i felt really challenged this morning to consciously choose not to think about myself but to recalibrate myself again and again and set my focus on jesus. 

it is my experience that when i occupy my mind with him, all the other things come into perspective. things i worry about or that make me feel scared are not as daunting and important anymore. funny, how thinking of myself less, actually makes me more calm and satisfied.

rather than dreaming of the future i want to thank god for this day, for the people who surround me now and i want to be open and perceptive to where i can be a blessing to others. 

my beautiful lancaster... ♥

deep breath and... focus

via ocean depths on tumblr

but as for me,

i watch in hope for the lord,

i wait for god my saviour;

my god will hear me.

-micah 7:7

what i am thinking about

yesterday i read a post by meg fee about taking care of oneself. 

i think most people who went through periods of life that have been full of illness and darkness can relate to that notion. finding ways to deal with it all, trying to live a normal life. concentrating on getting well again.

i have been thinking about this a lot lately - i mean about how to live life. it seems to be quite fashionable to take care of and to love yourself, to figure out what you want and need. 

c.s. lewis writes in the screwtape letters that being detached from ourselves - forgetting what the things are we truly and honestly enjoy and love - is a preliminary of being detached from christ, even though christ "also wants to detach man from himself, but in a different way (...) when he talks of their losing their selves, he only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, he really gives them back all their personality (...) and when they are wholly his they will be more themselves then ever." this suggests that life is not so much about finding ourselves by looking inward but by setting the focus away from ourselves.

lately i have been reading a lot of marx and even though christianity and marxism seem not to be to fond of each other i think that they might be talking about the same thing. they are both basically concerned about alienation - man lost his his true nature - in sin, in narcissism, egoism, individualism - and that brings forth all the exploitation, hate and greed. our so called civilised society is nothing more than a machinery of oppression, even though we know that much of our comfort and wealth is at the expense of people starving and being enslaved we just go on and say things like "ignorance is bliss" -- man, who naturally was a species-being has been perverted to a murderer of his own species.

marx's solution to all that is the abolition of private property, which he sees as the root of the problem. christianity's solution is the abolition of sin through the death and resurrection of christ. 

i personally belief that this could go hand in hand. when we look at the book of acts and the description of the first church we see how people gave up their possessions and shared everything with each other - it was like a first step to a marxist community. the thing is, that man cannot give up greed and egoism out of his own strength - we need christ, because only through him we can overcome our own alienated nature.

in terms of taking care of oneself: i think less is more. what this exactly means - i am still figuring it out.

on being a christian at university

today my favourite tutor explained that if you carefully read the bible, you learn that god actually does not exist - that god is just a metaphor, a metaphor for an idea - communism. and jesus is the son of god - the son of the idea that he teaches and he does not bring salvation through his death but clarification and therefore freedom through his teachings.

university is an interesting environment, you just mention that you go to church or that you believe in jesus, maybe even without the intent of starting a conversation and then all of richard dawkins disciples suddenly sit up and explain to you how many times the bible contradicts itself and say things like - “you’re actually intellegent - how can you believe in god?!"

often it is difficult to explain that, even though i cannot prove the existence of god, faith is more than just thinking that the bible might be true - my salvation is something so real to me like the chair i am sitting on. i feel god’s love like i feel the air in my lungs, i am confident about my future because of he was faithful in the past and is with me right now, i am at peace because of his forgiveness, i am full of joy because of his grace - i believe in him, i’m in love with him because i experienced him. 

god says: you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

you cannot derive his existence intellectually, he is not a god of theory - he is practical, he is life. 

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to have all of you...

all those disappointments

all those vague hopes - the insecurely uttered maybes

are washed away, are overpowered

by steadfast truth,

and promises everlasting.

christianity vs homosexuality?