the tension between theory and reality

sorry for my absence around here. the last couple of weeks in england have been so busy. my parents picked me up and we spent a few days in the lakes and then travelled back to germany together. 

at the moment i am on a holiday with my brother in north-east germany. i never been to this part of germany and it is just beautiful. we are staying in a village where around 400 people live. we are surrounded by fields and you can hear no cars, just birds. the only downside is my stupid hayfever. but it is nice to have time to relax and read books that are not related to my degree.

but it is also been weird. after all this business i suddenly have time again to think, to worry, to doubt. and again and again i am haunted by the fear about making wrong decisions about choosing the wrong path. i wonder what it is that i want in life, what it is that i am here for. 

and then i think about being humble. that it might not matter that much what i want. what decision i make. but it is not easy to let it all go. and i think of a preach by andrew wilson i listened to recently - and wonder if these worries about my life are not completely individualist. (by the way i can really recommend listening to it - you can do that here)

i am reading "tiny, beautiful things" by cheryl strayed at the moment (read it. seriously, it's amazing.) and one of the things she says is that we often already know our truth. that we have the answers. that deep inside we know what to do, but that often we are to afraid - 'cause the right thing isn't always the easiest.

i read a post by one of my favourite bloggers this morning, anna from little reminders of love. it encouraged me to put my trust in god's plan for my life and the fact that he has it all in his hands. 

and i also was reassured that being terrified is probably part of life. i wonder if it gets better when you get older. 

humble and happy?

source

i read this quote last week and it thought yes, yes that is true. but then i thought: how do i spend less time thinking of myself? 

two weeks ago i listened to a preach in my church, and the preacher told us that he always prays when he is in the car on his way to work. 

when i am on the bus on my way to uni, i usually think about what i need to do that day or i lose myself in daydreams of my future house, husband, children, job etc - and in these dreams i always are in the centre of attention. this is not really the definition of humility. also i don't think that these dreams of the future where everything is better than now, are particularly helpful or constructive.

i felt really challenged this morning to consciously choose not to think about myself but to recalibrate myself again and again and set my focus on jesus. 

it is my experience that when i occupy my mind with him, all the other things come into perspective. things i worry about or that make me feel scared are not as daunting and important anymore. funny, how thinking of myself less, actually makes me more calm and satisfied.

rather than dreaming of the future i want to thank god for this day, for the people who surround me now and i want to be open and perceptive to where i can be a blessing to others. 

my beautiful lancaster... ♥