being in your twenties

i had this quote written on my school folder (because i thought it to be original and ironic): 'i know that i know nothing'. i think back then i theoretically understood that as we learn more about a thing, the more we discover the vastness of knowledge that we not yet have. 

today this notion rings more true to me than ever. 
people say things like that your twenties are there to find out who you are and what you want and a time to ask questions and to find answers. i guess there is something to that.
however, so far my experience has been that as i have figured stuff out more, new problems presented themselves to me and one answer held ten new questions.
on some days i find that thrilling -- the idea that i am growing, yeah becoming - that feels important and exciting. other times i feel stressed by not knowing what i should do, how i should prioritise things, how much time i should invest into my friends near and far, how much should i worry about my career, about family planning about taking steps to fulfill my dreams. 
there is this little voice that tells me that really at this point i should know better what i want to do with my life, that i should have a plan, should have the next years mapped out  - after all, i don't want to wonder for years and years what i should do with my life and then never actually do anything. 

as i am writing this i get the impression that all this might be about accepting that mistakes are inevitable and that it is okay to get things wrong. 

and more than that it is about trusting God. to trust when i say to him, "here is my life, i don't know the way,  please lead me"  that he will guide my steps, that he is in control and that my existence is not an accident and that my life won't be wasted.

“it’s never too late to be who you might have been.” – george eliot

“a self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to a child, finished and complete. a self is always becoming.” –  madeleine l’engle

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." –  jeremiah 29:11

this is my becoming.

one summer night in july i was driving home from work and everything felt a bit pointless.

the money i made never was enough, the job i work wasn't showing the best i got and the time i had did not seem like it was well spent - far away away from the fiancé, stuck in a never ending to do list.

despite those feelings i rolled the windows down, and sang along to my head and the heart cd that was playing:

the world's just spinning

a little to fast

if things don't slow down soon we might not last 

so just for the moment, let's be still

singing always cheers me up (i heard it releases endorphins). 

and i remembered a quote by cheryl strayed:

"the useless days will add up to something. the shitty waitressing jobs. the hours writing in your journal. the long meandering walks. the hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people's diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. these things are your becoming." (tiny beautiful things)

sometimes i need to refocus and remind myself of the fact that jesus has a plan, that he is sovereign, and that no time is wasted that is spend gazing upon him. maybe some of you need that reminder as well. 

so there you go: in all things God works for those who love him. 

this is a re-launch

hi! 

after quite a long (summer)break i have decided to re-activate my blog.
if you have visited my blog before you maybe noticed that it has changed slightly. woop woop for my pretty new design! if you haven't been here before: welcome! i am very happy you're stopping by.

if you here for the first time - i thought i'd introduce myself:

i am a 20-something german blogger, living in the uk. my greatest passion is jesus, his gospel and the church. i love music, poetry and knitting. 

last year i graduated from university where i had studied politics, philosophy and economics. 

i love drinking coffee, reading books and being outside. at the moment i am studying a masters degree in sustainable development, training for a half marathon and trying to figure out life as a (nearly) grown up. 

my hope is to blog more regularly in the future and to write about all these different things. 

so make sure you stop by.

loneliness

via.

"it is both a blessing and a very, very bitter pill to swallow."

-meg fee 

some seriously inspirational words.

i've become an absolute fan of cheryl strayed lately.
she is so inspiring.
i love her revealing, honest, beautiful words.
enjoy.

the tension between theory and reality

sorry for my absence around here. the last couple of weeks in england have been so busy. my parents picked me up and we spent a few days in the lakes and then travelled back to germany together. 

at the moment i am on a holiday with my brother in north-east germany. i never been to this part of germany and it is just beautiful. we are staying in a village where around 400 people live. we are surrounded by fields and you can hear no cars, just birds. the only downside is my stupid hayfever. but it is nice to have time to relax and read books that are not related to my degree.

but it is also been weird. after all this business i suddenly have time again to think, to worry, to doubt. and again and again i am haunted by the fear about making wrong decisions about choosing the wrong path. i wonder what it is that i want in life, what it is that i am here for. 

and then i think about being humble. that it might not matter that much what i want. what decision i make. but it is not easy to let it all go. and i think of a preach by andrew wilson i listened to recently - and wonder if these worries about my life are not completely individualist. (by the way i can really recommend listening to it - you can do that here)

i am reading "tiny, beautiful things" by cheryl strayed at the moment (read it. seriously, it's amazing.) and one of the things she says is that we often already know our truth. that we have the answers. that deep inside we know what to do, but that often we are to afraid - 'cause the right thing isn't always the easiest.

i read a post by one of my favourite bloggers this morning, anna from little reminders of love. it encouraged me to put my trust in god's plan for my life and the fact that he has it all in his hands. 

and i also was reassured that being terrified is probably part of life. i wonder if it gets better when you get older. 

what i am thinking about

yesterday i read a post by meg fee about taking care of oneself. 

i think most people who went through periods of life that have been full of illness and darkness can relate to that notion. finding ways to deal with it all, trying to live a normal life. concentrating on getting well again.

i have been thinking about this a lot lately - i mean about how to live life. it seems to be quite fashionable to take care of and to love yourself, to figure out what you want and need. 

c.s. lewis writes in the screwtape letters that being detached from ourselves - forgetting what the things are we truly and honestly enjoy and love - is a preliminary of being detached from christ, even though christ "also wants to detach man from himself, but in a different way (...) when he talks of their losing their selves, he only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, he really gives them back all their personality (...) and when they are wholly his they will be more themselves then ever." this suggests that life is not so much about finding ourselves by looking inward but by setting the focus away from ourselves.

lately i have been reading a lot of marx and even though christianity and marxism seem not to be to fond of each other i think that they might be talking about the same thing. they are both basically concerned about alienation - man lost his his true nature - in sin, in narcissism, egoism, individualism - and that brings forth all the exploitation, hate and greed. our so called civilised society is nothing more than a machinery of oppression, even though we know that much of our comfort and wealth is at the expense of people starving and being enslaved we just go on and say things like "ignorance is bliss" -- man, who naturally was a species-being has been perverted to a murderer of his own species.

marx's solution to all that is the abolition of private property, which he sees as the root of the problem. christianity's solution is the abolition of sin through the death and resurrection of christ. 

i personally belief that this could go hand in hand. when we look at the book of acts and the description of the first church we see how people gave up their possessions and shared everything with each other - it was like a first step to a marxist community. the thing is, that man cannot give up greed and egoism out of his own strength - we need christ, because only through him we can overcome our own alienated nature.

in terms of taking care of oneself: i think less is more. what this exactly means - i am still figuring it out.

good-bye and good tunes

my book shelfs are empty, my walls naked and my life is either in a mess on the floor or packed away in boxes. the first year of uni is definitely coming to an end. 
in 3 days i will leave lancaster and do some road-tripping through scotland with my brother and then go back home until october.
thursday we had our college-good-bye-have-a-great-summer-party (officially called extrav). at first i did not really want to go as i was a bit ill and i just watched a slightly disappointing football game but in the end i had good fun. i re-discovered my love for live music when a band called collectors club perfomed. they even covered songs of fleetwood mac and foster the people. happy times.

 

life snapshot

i am back at uni. tomorrow lectures start again and life will have a routine (or something similar) again. exams are coming up and in eight weeks i am already done with my first year. somehow i feel like i just got here, but at the same time england already feels so much like home. sometimes i think about how life would be, if i was at a different uni in a different town. i wouldn't have met all the people i met, wouldn't be in my church and maybe would study something else.
well, all i can say, i am so happy to be here.

Exhaustion

It's only Thursday, but I feel like it should be Sunday -
this week is so long.
It was full of studying and procrastination.
Affected by the wish for more respect.
More politeness. More gentlemen.
More people who are nice without ulterior motives.
More warmth, more sun.

One of those weeks, where I rather want to sleep than be awake.

But in weeks like this, there's music.
Music that soothes my soul, refreshes my mind, strengthens my living will.

And there is this voice inside me,
telling me that life may not be easy but that I can do it.

And there is Meg Fee writing about happiness.
"Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not."

And there am I knowing that God is there.
Always.

Neulich, im Gespräch mit einem Freund.

Seufzend stehen wir im englischen Regen
und reden
nach ein paar Monaten Unileben
da vermisst man sie eben
die Familie.

Du erzählst mir, wie toll doch Deine Mutter sei
selbstlos hält sie Deinem Vater den Rücken frei
damit er draußen in der Welt
als Held
Abenteuer bestreiten kann.
Abends empfängt sie ihn munter und frisch
das Haus ist geputzt, seine Hemden gebügelt, das Essen auf dem Tisch
mit offenen Armen.

Ich erzähle Dir, dass ich keinen Helden den Rücken freihalten möchte
ich will selbst einer sein.
Tja, sagst Du, dann bleibst Du wohl allein.

Homeland

Tuesday I came back to Lancaster.
I love this city, I love University, I love the independence I have here.
But I swear, I never felt so homesick.
Those three weeks at home were so genial.
Having my mum or my brother wake me up in the morning, eating breakfast together with the family at a nicely set table in our living room, cooking in our kitchen with the view on the river rhine and having all the fancy ingredients on hand that I want to use.
Walking a few blocks to watch "Flecki mein Freund" with my best friend and her sister, going to electro partys and dancing the night away - all that feels like pure luxury to me now and I miss it so much.
Don't get me wrong - I love my life here. It is just sometimes easier to be at home, being the "little princess", secure and protected.
But I chose and I am choosing again to be here. To grow up. To be thankful for what a good life I have, in Germany and England. And for having two homes.

In between

The first term is over. The university is deserted, almost everyone went back home to their families already.
I just finished writing my last essay, my bags are packed and I am ready to go home.
I have to wait two more days before I'll go back home.
It is nice to be here and to have no work and so be able to explore the town a bit more, to just watch a movie, write my diary, play the guitar.
But in my thoughts I am already back in Germany. Anticipating Christmas, planning dates with friends and skiing trips with my dad.
I'm somehow in between two homes.
Lately I often feel like being in between.
In between being adolescent and adult.
I am going my own way, living my dream, but I'm still not there.
And I don't even know where and how and what there is.
This state is a tad scary but I like it. Everything is wide open.
And I am excited for the future.
But equally - or even more - I am excited about the here and now.

Cross-ways

I have a very good friend, her name is Miriam. We met in 5th grade and ever since we have been best friends. We sat next to each other in every class and I think our teachers were very annoyed with us because we talked and talked and talked.
I like to think back to these days, we had such fun times and I think there really is no one who makes me laugh like she does. We also had really deep conversations about god and life and she was one of the few people I could actually tell things and she just got it.
Well, one day, I don't know about what we were talking exactly, but she said:

"Accept the situation, make a decision, and then bear the consequences."

This advice stuck with me.
Sometimes I am in a situation and I am not entirely sure what to do, so I just stay passive and see how things turn out instead of thinking what seems right to do, take action and make a decision.
And then live by it.
I guess this is part of growing up - living responsibly.
Think, than do.
Still not too good at this.
And I must say often it is no fun. Some decisions are hurtful.
And bearing the consequences can be very tiring.
But the consequences of being passive are often worse.
And the certainty to do the right thing, even if it is uncomfortable, helps a lot.

Life lessons

The most annoying question on a birthday is probably, "And.. how do you feel with ... (number of birthday you are celebrating)? Do you feel older and wiser?"
(I always ask this question to people who have their birthday - sorry for that).

And of course the answer is no. Just because it is the day you happen to be born a couple of years ago, you are not wiser and you feel exactly the same as the day before.


But sometimes there are days... days full of life lessons.


Days that are so hard that you think they will break you.
Days that teach you that exaltation and anxiety are sometimes coming hand in hand.
Days full of confrontation, days that demand the plain truth, even if it hurts.
Days where right and wrong are just vague terms.

Dealing with days like that and not running away from them is what I am currently learning.
And sometimes I wake up in the morning and I feel older. More grown-up.

I still feel more like a child than a grown-up. And not wise at all.

But I am a work in progress.

Sunset in Riehen, Summer 2011

Things that make me happy #2

• Sitting in the bus, driving through beautiful Lancaster and listening to Noah and the Whale
• "I am carrying all the love of an orchestra"

• Reading "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller
• The idea of getting a day rider ticket and driving bus all day, looking at the christmas lights in everybody's houses
• This quote: 

• Finding a little bike shop and spotting the perfect bike for a reasonable price
• "Guess why I am smiling a lot? Because it's worth it."

Sonne und Wind.

via weheartit

I don't know if you ever experienced this, but this morning I woke up being angry.
My room felt to small to fit my anger so I went out for a run.
The sun was shining and there was a cold wind blowing.
And I asked myself, why couldn't there be just sun.
Why can't things just be easy.
Why can't I get everything right.
Just for once.

Building a life.

On a walk through Lancaster last sunday

I love this expression. Building a life.
That's what I'm doing. Or what I want to do.
I want to find out, who I really am, what I want, what makes me happy, what inspires me.

I believe being here is just the right place to do this.
Far away from home, from all the people that know me and love me - but also sometimes put labels on me.
Here everything is new, like a white, blank page and I can find out what the title of this chapter of my life will be.
Even though it is scary sometimes and I still feel like a kid, that wants to hide in the arms of their parents and even though I feel alone sometimes - it is good to be here. It is the right way.
I am learning a lot about myself. And I enjoy the solitude. I enjoy my own company, hearing myself breathe, finally becoming calm and just enjoying life.
And there is this exhilarating feeling inside of me - the feeling of being independent. Being free. I do not have to make anyone happy except for myself.

The other day I read a quote on one of my favorite blogs, little reminders of love (I think I've mentioned it before) and it says:

"there are days i drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself."

-brian andreas

Exactly.

Things that make me happy #1

The last two years I learned a lot about myself.

I learned that there is stuff that is bad for me, that makey me more likely to get depressed, feel overstrained with everything and like I couldn't handle life. 

But also I learned that there are things that make me happy.

One of these things I just recently discovered. 

It may sound odd, but a tidy room makes me feel really good. 

As my mum is reading this she is probably laughing out loud, because I used to be really bad at keeping my room clean and I always argued that I need chaos to develop my creativity. 

Well, I guess I maybe need a little bit of chaos sometimes but more often I am just lazy.

Organising my stuff somehow makes me feel like I have things under control, like I overview everything a bit better. 

So the feeling of life slipping through my fingers gets alleviated a bit. 

Maybe it is just an illusion. 

Life can fall apart even if you have written down every date in your agenda, even if your CD collection is assorted in alphabetical order, even if you do not have to search for your keys every morning and even if a super detailed to do list prevents you from forgetting your responsibilities.

But life gets easier. Also, a tidy room is often cosier than a messy one. 

And if there's a way of tricking yourself into being more happy and feeling more secure, I believe it is legitimate to do so. 

via wehearit

Some clarification

via

This week I watched "He's just not that into you". I really like this movie and I think it contains a lot of truth. 

Truth that I sometimes need to remind myself of. 

I thought a lot about these truths this week and came to the conclusion that I do not want to be the kind of woman who sits next to the phone waiting for some guy to call. 

I don't want to put my life on hold for a guy who is not fully appreciating me - the whole package with all my quirks, fears and sillyness. 

Someone who is not really passionate about loving God and loving life. 

Someone who does not even know what he wants.

Therefore I will not be upset if someone does not call, does not ask me out, does not think of me.

Because I am in the process of learning more and more who I am and what I want.