death wish

a couple of weeks ago some good friends introduced me to a rapper called lecrae. 
i spent the last couple of days listening to a lot of his music. 
one of his songs is called "gravity" in which lecrae raps about his yearning to leave this world and to be in heaven.

yeah, every time i think i'm flying
i'm just falling
so close to touching the sky
but gravity keeps pulling me back down
but i can't stay here forever
i want to go, ooh one day
i want to go
somewhere where there's no gravity

i think the wish to not be in this world, in this life anymore is familiar to many people. 
i often feel angry, desperate, helpless when i look at the injustices of this world, when i think about the fact that i will be disappointed over and over again by the people i love and that i will hurt them too. 
living can be tiring and we can come to a point where the prospect of death seems not so bad anymore.

but i think there is a big difference between the desire to not be alive and the desire of being in heaven.
it's the difference between yearning to be dead and yearning to be fully alive. 

in face of all the bad things we have to face every day, it's easy to resign, become numb and tired. 
but i believe that understanding eternity changes our life in the present as we can draw strength from the prospect that we live in the already but not yet, we can hold onto the promise that everything is in god's hands and that we are headed for an infinitely better future.

it's hard out here for a bitch

i stumbled across a quote the other day which said something like

"feminism ends when you meet 'the one', communism ends with an annual income of 25k and atheism ends when the airplane is about to crash."

for me this does not only sound condescending towards other's people's views but also quite uninformed.

i am not an atheist myself but i have quite a few friends who are atheists and their unbelief is not a matter of circumstances but they doubt the existence of god for evidence related reasons. 

and yes, there are people who wear che guevara t-shirts and anarchy stickers when they are 16 and later in their lives vote for the conservative party, but i would not call them communists.

well. and feminism is not about hating men. it is not about being single, or a lesbian. 

feminism is about empowering women, it is fighting for respect and about reclaiming the right to make one's own decisions, to define your identity yourself and to stand against objectification. 

and i don't think a girl met "the one", if he makes her questioning her self-worth and stop wanting others to respect her.

i leave you with this song, where lily allen puts it so perfectly: 

there's a glass ceiling to break, there's money to make,

and now it's time to speed it up 'cause i can't move at this pace

we've never had it so good, we're out of the woods,

and if you can't detect the sarcasm, you've misunderstood.

grateful

what a great weekend. not productive in any way, but so much fun was had!
i feel incredibly privileged to be part of a church family that knows how to throw good parties, that loves one another, challenges and encourages each other.
god is good.

my life with jesus

lately i have been thinking about testimonies - people's stories how they've come to know jesus. last week i had the pleasure to hear how god broke into the life of a friend of mine and changed him radically. 

i find it really exciting to listen to these stories, hearing how god is moving - today, in the lives of individual people.

well, and so i decided to share a bit about my life and my relationship with jesus. 

i am one of those lucky people who never had to deal with big issues like drugs, abuse or destructive relationships. i grew up in a loving family where i experienced god's love and forgiveness and i made the decision to accept his gift of forgiveness and to love him back at a very young age. since then there have been some ups and downs in my life and also in my relationship to jesus - but looking back i can confidently say that he has always been faithful.

people who know me, know of my love for books and that one of my favourite authors is j.d. salinger.  as a teenager i could identify very well with the protagonists in his stories - i found the prospect of a average, phoney middle-class life devastating. 

think about it: we go to school so we can go to university so we can have good jobs so we can earn loads of money to buy shiny things and then we die - and that's it. 

i wanted more. 

but looking around, i realised that at the age of 16 most people think like that and then still end up leading boring, (in my eyes) miserable lives. 

i thought about this a lot and made me depressed. i couldn't see why i should go to school or to study or do anything for that matter. i lost interest in all activities i used to enjoy and spending time with people drained all my energy out.

this was at a time where i also had to deal with quite a lot of other issues, that simply were to big for me and i started to feel more and more lost. 

i remember a day were i sat on my bed, feeling completely broken and incapable of going on. and as i sat there i suddenly heard god speaking to me. not like a dolby surround thunder from heaven but a gentle, clear voice in my head saying: out of brokenness i am writing history. and for the first time in months i felt hope. 

i had known that the bible promises us a life that is more, that we can have meaning for our lives and that god's love is unconditional and not dependent on me being a 'good christian'. but suddenly this became very real to me. in the moment, where i was so low, so weak god did not reject me but he turned towards me.

since then a lot has changed.

there a still days where i am sad or unhappy about things but i have never again experienced the same desperation and resignation that was so present in my life back then. 

i know that my life has a eternal destination, a goal that is worth living for. and i find it incredibly exciting.

last week a walked down the street that leads to my house and i just felt overwhelmed with joy. 

joy that is beyond circumstances, beyond worries, beyond fear. 

and i laughed, thinking how far i have come - from being broken and depressed to skipping down the street with my groceries. and it is not because of my 'inner strength' or my determination, it is because of god's grace and his supernatural joy and peace that surpasses all understanding.

** if you want to know more about this jesus who has transformed my life please don't hesitate do get in touch! **

some words and some music

"i actually attack the concept of happiness. i don't mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous notion and has led to a contemprary disease in western society, which is fear of sadness.
it's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying 'write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep', and so on. we're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it's rubbish.
wholeness is what we ought to be strieving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are.
happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. everyone says we grow throught pain and then as soon as they experiecne pain they say 'quick! move on! cheer up!"
i'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on he word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness'. ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you're having a bad day, it is." -hugh mackay

i am not quite sure if i have posted this quote before, but whenever i'm having a bad day, i remind myself of this and it helps me to see a situation from a different perspective.

but also, when all else fails, there is always this song:

 

happy wholesome weekend, friends.

why i stopped eating meat

in the beginning of summer, a little bit over three months ago, i decided to quit eating meat for a while. 

i never was a big meat-eater anyway so it didn't really make a great difference in my diet, and so far i have not missed it. 

especially since being back in england people have asked me why i decided to become a vegetarian. (sometimes the why was a genuine interest sometimes more a "why would you do that", but a why nontheless).

so in this post i want to explain the reasons that led me to quit eating meat.
this post is not aimed at criticising anyone's lifestyle or "converting" people to vegetarianism - i just want to share some facts that i personally find important and wanted to act upon.
also, as said earlier my decision was to cut meat out of my diet for a while. this means that i keep the prerogative to maybe change my eating habits again at some point. maybe i will make the decision to eat meat once a week or eat organic meat or i decide to go a step further and abstain from all animal products i.e. go vegan. 

even though i now explain why i eat what i eat, i don't think that i have to do this. i am a grown woman, therefore i don't have to justify my eating choices to anyone.

alright, with that said. here we go.

the two main factors are especially important to me are the environment and world hunger.

overall, cattle breeding contributes 18% carbon dioxid equivalent to the greenhouse-effect. 
this is more than our world-wide transportation (all cars, airplanes, buses, trains taken together) contribute to the greenhouse effect.
a great deal of carbon dioxide is emitted by clearances of the rain forrest. those cleared areas are not used for grazing land (most cattle never see the sun or a meadow in their life) but to plant soy and corn which is used to feed cattle. 
this connects to my second point, world hunger. 
as newly industrialised align their consumption of meat to that in the western world, more and more animal feed is needed, by 2050 we'll  reach a point where more than 70% of our farmland is used to grow animal feed which means less and less grain, rice, potatoes and so forth can be grown. it follows that meat consumption in the west is directly related to increasing hunger in developing countries. to produce 1kg of meat 7-16kg of soy or grain is used, which in the face of our dwindling resources is not a great use of land. we face a situation where there simply isn't enough space to grow food required to feed 7 billion people and 21 billion farm animals. the same goes for water - to produce 1 kg of apples 700 litres of water are used - for 1 kg beef it is 15 500 litres. 

there is a lot more that could be said about this but i think i made my point. people might say, that it won't make a difference whether i eat meat or not. however, the british physicist alan calverd thinks that if everyone would become a vegetarian we could control global warming.

i know that i am only one, and not everyone, but i think someone has to make a start. i personally think globalisation and the environmental situation is one of the greatest challenges humanity has to face in the 21st century. and i as a christian want to react to these challenges because i believe that is what jesus did. he did not just give people hope for a better future in heaven, he improved their situation here on earth as well. 

i know that i put myself on the spot with this and that you could find a lot of areas in my life where my choices are bad for the environment (e.g. going to university in england and hence flying to germany and back twice a year) but i am aiming to make more responsible choices step by step. 

i don't want to be repetitive, but with this post i am not trying to convince anyone to change his or her life. however, if this made you think but you don't want to become a vegetarian you could find a compromise and do it like hank green who says this:

"I eat meat, though I recognize that (for a variety of reasons) I should not. The industrialized agriculture system is bad for the environment and for animals and for people. As for me, I try to eat less than 200 calories of animal or animal product per day. This means one chicken sandwich or a couple yogurts or two slices of cheese. I don't drink milk at all because that's a total waste of my animal calories.  

Going completely vegan is very difficult, not just because I love corndogs, but practically and socially. So I don't think I will ever do it, nor would I ask it of others. But I would ask everyone...maybe check out the vegetarian options first, see if they look good. Maybe, when you're cooking at home, check out some vegan recipes. Maybe skip the turkey in favor of peanut butter. Maybe go beans instead of beef on the nachos.  

Whether or not you care about the suffering of these animals, it is scientifically proven to be both healthier and better for the environment...so consider it."

read more about this topic here: wikipedia. or here: peta.org. or here: scientific american.

aaah music

just one week into term but i am already swamped with work. but so far it all has been quite fun.
i love being back at lancaster and seeing all the friends i missed so dearly over the summer and especially being back at my beautiful church.
i don't have much else to share at the moment but i spend some time listening to tv noir concerts last night and re-discovered this beautiful singer. enjoy!

perfect sunday morning

drinking coffee, listening to john mayer and reading the best book ever written.

yes lord, walking in the ways of your laws,
we wait for you;
your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.
my soul yearns for you in the night;
in the morning my spirit longs for you.

                                               -the bible, isaiah 26:8+9 

loneliness

via.

"it is both a blessing and a very, very bitter pill to swallow."

-meg fee 

summer according to the photos on my phone [a selection]

as october officially feels like fall, i decided it's time for a little summer recap. this summer was so full of blessings. i worked the best job i could ever imagine and enjoyed many hours with friends and family - going for walks, knitting, exploring and enjoying the sun.

lake district

(england)

windermere

kirkby lonsdale

ostsee

(germany)

oh glorious fish!

home 

outdoor craft times

gardening

fireworks in basle

black forrest

taking walks

enjoying views

picking flowers

celebrating the birthday

future and flamenco

i saw this band about a week ago. the ticket was an early birthday gift my dad gave me.

and as i sat there - being immersed and bewitched by the sounds that were surrounding me - it suddenly clicked.

in this moment it all made sense. suddenly i knew that finding one's way isn't so much about defining the final destination - but more about figuring out the next step - and than the next and then the next. going through doors and doors and doors - without really knowing what is behind.

but every step, every space after every door - in itself is important and full of meaning.

there it was. all the loose ends in my head came together. and i knew what i needed to do.
and i sighed  - with relief and gratitude.

and i realised - that the authour of the most beautiful, magical and most expressive language of all - music -is also the authour of my life. and this excites me beyond words.

what i know at twenty-three

even though i find it scary how quickly time passes, i do love birthdays. This one is particularly interesting. i am at a stage in my life where many things are undecided, many doors wide open, many questions unanswered.
but there are also some things that i do know.

at twenty-three i know...

-that living on your own is hard, sometimes lonely but also fun and liberating

-that being a grown up often means to suck it up, get up and show up (and to dress up, but that's the fun part)

-that even though equal rights for men and women have been established ages ago women still have to fight harder

-that music is one of the greatest gifts god gave to humanity and that almost nothing has as much healing power as folk bands

-that it is okay to sometimes want your mama to make everything okay even though you're strong and independent and grown up

-that feeling beautiful has little to do with how much you weigh or with someone telling you that you are

-that there's nothing sweeter and more exciting than forgiveness and grace that's new every day

-that good friends are worth more than gold.

some flowers i picked with my mum - oh beautiful country life!

hello autumn

it feels like last week was summer and this week is fall.

a week ago i still went swimming and today i took a walk wearing a jacket.

but nevertheless i am happy to welcome fall.

i love it so much when the air is cool and crisp and it smells so heavenly earthy - like rain and leaves and tea under a blanket and pumpkin pie.

autumn also represents a season of new beginnings for me. 

summer often is a time of great adventure, of learning, of making new experiences.

and so it feels like autumn always marked a new beginning, going back to school or university with new wisdom, new attitudes and new insights.

well, in this spirit of "newness" i was inspired to do some modifications around here as well.

as you may have noticed there are some new pages where you can find some info about myself, my church, and you'll find my posts on music, faith and my writing all in one place.

i hope i will be able to post on here more regularly, so be sure to stay tuned!

source

tuesday tunes.... another round.

i've been enjoying the warmth (heat) and the (mostly) consistent good weather back home in germany.
but today the sun wasn't shining. the sky was black and the evening brought heavy rain.
a perfect day for a cuppa and some amazingly beautiful music.
oh those marvellous voices and this delicate english accent.
i'm swooning.

some seriously inspirational words.

i've become an absolute fan of cheryl strayed lately.
she is so inspiring.
i love her revealing, honest, beautiful words.
enjoy.

life is a journey.

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I cannot see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But, I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing. I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

                      -Thomas Merton   

via.

the tension between theory and reality

sorry for my absence around here. the last couple of weeks in england have been so busy. my parents picked me up and we spent a few days in the lakes and then travelled back to germany together. 

at the moment i am on a holiday with my brother in north-east germany. i never been to this part of germany and it is just beautiful. we are staying in a village where around 400 people live. we are surrounded by fields and you can hear no cars, just birds. the only downside is my stupid hayfever. but it is nice to have time to relax and read books that are not related to my degree.

but it is also been weird. after all this business i suddenly have time again to think, to worry, to doubt. and again and again i am haunted by the fear about making wrong decisions about choosing the wrong path. i wonder what it is that i want in life, what it is that i am here for. 

and then i think about being humble. that it might not matter that much what i want. what decision i make. but it is not easy to let it all go. and i think of a preach by andrew wilson i listened to recently - and wonder if these worries about my life are not completely individualist. (by the way i can really recommend listening to it - you can do that here)

i am reading "tiny, beautiful things" by cheryl strayed at the moment (read it. seriously, it's amazing.) and one of the things she says is that we often already know our truth. that we have the answers. that deep inside we know what to do, but that often we are to afraid - 'cause the right thing isn't always the easiest.

i read a post by one of my favourite bloggers this morning, anna from little reminders of love. it encouraged me to put my trust in god's plan for my life and the fact that he has it all in his hands. 

and i also was reassured that being terrified is probably part of life. i wonder if it gets better when you get older. 

overflowing

source

"we were made to see and know
the universe was made to show your glory
source of all created things
absolute reality, without beginning..."

-jules burt, paul oakley "sun of righteousness"

on another note

you can now follow my blog with bloglovin! 

humble and happy?

source

i read this quote last week and it thought yes, yes that is true. but then i thought: how do i spend less time thinking of myself? 

two weeks ago i listened to a preach in my church, and the preacher told us that he always prays when he is in the car on his way to work. 

when i am on the bus on my way to uni, i usually think about what i need to do that day or i lose myself in daydreams of my future house, husband, children, job etc - and in these dreams i always are in the centre of attention. this is not really the definition of humility. also i don't think that these dreams of the future where everything is better than now, are particularly helpful or constructive.

i felt really challenged this morning to consciously choose not to think about myself but to recalibrate myself again and again and set my focus on jesus. 

it is my experience that when i occupy my mind with him, all the other things come into perspective. things i worry about or that make me feel scared are not as daunting and important anymore. funny, how thinking of myself less, actually makes me more calm and satisfied.

rather than dreaming of the future i want to thank god for this day, for the people who surround me now and i want to be open and perceptive to where i can be a blessing to others. 

my beautiful lancaster... ♥

tuesday tunes #2

my best friend simone shared this song with me a couple of weeks ago,

and i looked for more songs of this amazing band, but so far only found one.

can't wait to hear more of their music. great summer tunes. 

it's a new month, it's a new day

things i'm looking forward to this month

• going to the lake district with my parents
• celebrating my friend naomi's wedding
• travel to the eastern sea with my brother
• the beginning of summer. 

being done with my exams will give me a lot of free time, which i want to use purposefully. so here a few things i want to do this month:

• spend time with jesus. study his word. pray. enjoy his presence. 
• going raw for a couple of days a week, and choose wisely what i eat, so it's healthy for me and the environment (i just bought "crazy sexy kitchen" by kris carr - very inspirational!)
• read. (list of books i want to read coming up soon!) 

may the month of june be fabulous! have a great week!

ps: got my last exam today - keep your fingers crossed! 

pictures via weheartit, 

bulldays

end of the week link-up

hello friends, i just quickly wanted to wish you a happy weekend! i don't have a lot of time on my hands - had an exam yesterday, one this morning and one more next week. think of me on monday at 5 - then i will be as free as a bird! 

but for now, here's some weekend inspiration:

this quote on one of my most beloved blogs.

this playlist of happy songs to make your day perfect.

this post about books and people who love them. yes, yes and yes.

last year in scotland 

colourful and tasty

i have been reading a lot about nutrition lately, the bad effects of sugar, how the pH of food affects our health and about good and bad carbs. i don't really know to what extent it is realistic and practical to be able to consider all this in my every day diet, but i do know that eating vegetables makes me feel very happy, especially if they come in many different colours! 

so yesterday i made some quinoa salad.

it's super easy, just cook the quinoa, add some oil and balsamic and then cut up tomatoes, cucumber,  spring onions, radish, olives and some peppermint. i added some feta cheese, just experiment and throw in whatever suits your fancy. 

enjoy!

best time of the year

one of my favourite things to do is writing. 
when i sit down with pen and paper, that is when all the chaos in my head suddenly makes sense. writing somehow makes me able to express what i think and feel and wonder. the things i experience become more real, deeper, when they are captured in ink. 
when i write regularly, i am happier and calmer. giving outlet to creativity somehow nourishes yet another idea and makes room for more inspiration.
sadly i often don't find the time in the midst of my everyday life to sit down and to wait for the words. 
but yesterday i wrote some haikus about spring, that i wanted to share with you. i love haikus. they are just perfect for a little revision break. 
one in english and one in german...  

again it is the season
that keeps my smiling for no reason
spring

ein regentropfen
lauer wind in meinem haar
englischer frühling

have a lovely, creative, inspiring day! 

dazzled by the sun

tuesday tunes

every day we should hear at least one little song, read one good poem, see one exquisite picture, and, if possible, speak a few sensible words.             -goethe

here is one little song. 

it makes me ridiculously happy and gives me this feeling of being excited and full of anticipation. for future projects. for the summer. for freedom.

i hope you all have a great day filled with poetry, art and sensible, encouraging words.

hello, hello

good morning dear readers,

apologies for my absence around here! as i am in the midst of my exams my life mostly consists of revision at the moment. however, as you can see i started changing around some things in the design of the my little blog. (procrastination, ahoi!)
i've been thinking about blogging lately and would love to spend a bit more time doing it, so for this week my aim is is it to spread a bit of happiness and inspiration every day around here - i'm sure it will help me survive my exams.

happy monday! 

what life looks like around here at the moment...

what is love?

Yoi, che cose e amor? asked Cherubino in Mozart's Marriage of Figaro. 'Tell me, you know, what is this thing, love? Cherubino was still a beardless adolescent and did not know the answer, but he took it for granted that there was one. So have most other people, and many of them have tried to give it, but the most noteworthy feature about all their answers is how thoroughly they disagree. Sometimes, it seems, they cannot be referring to the same phenomenon, or even to related ones. After a while one wonders whether there is something wrong with the question itself, or whether perhaps it employs a word of no fixed meaning and can have no answer. 

- Morton M. Hunt 

via tulips and lattes

some tunes to start the week with

music makes everything better.

here some of my current favourites.

deep breath and... focus

via ocean depths on tumblr

but as for me,

i watch in hope for the lord,

i wait for god my saviour;

my god will hear me.

-micah 7:7

spring

is the time of

plans and projects.

-leo tolstoi

versailles 2012

it's been a while...

much has happened. but then on the other hand not so much at the same time.

i travelled home, saw my parents and spent time with my best friends.

i went to mobilise, which was very inspiring and gave me new passion for the church around the world.

i listened to a lot of music - the smiths, the kooks and fall out boy - to name just a few of my current favourite bands.

i watched "my mad fat diary" and also read the book. 

i started doing yoga every morning. 

i am finding myself smiling a lot lately - i think i am happy.

some magic

today i just wanted to share something
that is pure happiness for me.
enjoy.

what i am thinking about

yesterday i read a post by meg fee about taking care of oneself. 

i think most people who went through periods of life that have been full of illness and darkness can relate to that notion. finding ways to deal with it all, trying to live a normal life. concentrating on getting well again.

i have been thinking about this a lot lately - i mean about how to live life. it seems to be quite fashionable to take care of and to love yourself, to figure out what you want and need. 

c.s. lewis writes in the screwtape letters that being detached from ourselves - forgetting what the things are we truly and honestly enjoy and love - is a preliminary of being detached from christ, even though christ "also wants to detach man from himself, but in a different way (...) when he talks of their losing their selves, he only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, he really gives them back all their personality (...) and when they are wholly his they will be more themselves then ever." this suggests that life is not so much about finding ourselves by looking inward but by setting the focus away from ourselves.

lately i have been reading a lot of marx and even though christianity and marxism seem not to be to fond of each other i think that they might be talking about the same thing. they are both basically concerned about alienation - man lost his his true nature - in sin, in narcissism, egoism, individualism - and that brings forth all the exploitation, hate and greed. our so called civilised society is nothing more than a machinery of oppression, even though we know that much of our comfort and wealth is at the expense of people starving and being enslaved we just go on and say things like "ignorance is bliss" -- man, who naturally was a species-being has been perverted to a murderer of his own species.

marx's solution to all that is the abolition of private property, which he sees as the root of the problem. christianity's solution is the abolition of sin through the death and resurrection of christ. 

i personally belief that this could go hand in hand. when we look at the book of acts and the description of the first church we see how people gave up their possessions and shared everything with each other - it was like a first step to a marxist community. the thing is, that man cannot give up greed and egoism out of his own strength - we need christ, because only through him we can overcome our own alienated nature.

in terms of taking care of oneself: i think less is more. what this exactly means - i am still figuring it out.